We at nomoreproblems.org have devoted our fantastic brains to help you. No charge -Yes that's right - for no charge at all, but feel free to donate your money to us. At the moment the Iranien government is threatening to cut their funding, so we need money. For the sake of the world.
contact us with your problems at:
and we will help you as soon as possible. We might publish your problem or letter here for the help for others who has the same problems, without your name of course (or with your name if you want it)
Problem#1: I've tried the pork-diet for over a week now but I don't feel any smarter, what am I doing wrong? shall I eat more than one pig head for breakfast?
/a stupid soul
Answer#1: Dear "Stupid soul", the pork-diet is perfect. You are not, apparently. The sollution is simple: give yourself electroshock while eating the pork. That might cure your degenerated brain. Don't write us again loser. Problem solved.
Problem#2: I want to rule the world but I'm a loser.
Answer: What IS the problem? we made Bush president and he does a perfect job. We will send you our 10 step rule-the-world-kit. If you pay enough. Problem solved
Problem#3: How to make it impossible to steal my car without buying an expensive lock for the stearing wheel.
Answer: Get a 500 kg pig inside the car. OR: sell the car. OR: both. Problem solved
Problem#4: My pug dog doesn't seem to like me. It makes me depressed.
Answer: What the hell is a "pug dog"? does it actually excist? get a pig dog instead - then buy pills for your depression then get a life. Problem solved
Problem#5: That I don't have any problems
Answer: Your not smart enough to have problems - you need to start eating pork on a serious level. Problem solved
Problem#6: My father is an artist
Answer: cut of his hands so he can't work, and also: tell him his work sucked. Problem solved
Problem#7: That Alice always has homework... and ... cough... world hunger
Answer: 1: Forget the homework and Alice. 2: Become a pigfarmer. 3: Make lots of pigs. 4: Sell them to the starving 3'rd world people. Problem Solved.
Problem#8: My boyfriend doesn't feed me breakfast when I'm hungry and stressed before my big show he just teases me and piss me of. Help me problemsolvers!
Answer: Of course. Put your boyfriend in a state of deep psychosis and leave him to us for a 10 step program. Problem solved
Problem#9: Lots of guys are in love with me and the girls become jealous
Answer: Come and live with us in our think tank "Xanadu VII"
Problem#10: The sausage
Answer: If the sausage is made of pork it is not a problem - you are a problem. Problem solved
Problem#11: I want to invite the whole neighborhood for nice activities but I have to little space
Answer: Build four attics and four double rooms. Then you can have your "nice activities". Problem solved
Problem#12: To make everybody happy, but I can't
Answer: Leave that to us - we live for making people happy. That is quite obvious. Problem solved
Problem#13: I don't get enough paid for all the work I do as a teacher at Valand
Answer: Valand is a place for losers - get a job as a cloning-scientist. Problem solved
Problem#14: My surname which, occacionally, makes people laugh.. "Flensmarck"
Answer: Move to Uganda. In Uganda Flensmarck means beautiful-pig-god
Problem#15: Trikiner
Answer: We agree. The parasite "Trikin" is placed in pigs by the Swedish government because they want everyone to be vegan. We are working on a sollution for Sweden. Problem solved
Problem#16: I'm so tired
Answer: It's a question of training yourself. Reduce sleep a little everyday and you will only have to sleep 2 hours and 17 minutes if you are a optimal human. Problem solved
Problem#17: I need to pee
Answer: We will drill a tiny hole in your bladder and connect it to a tank which is emtied every half year. Problem solved
Problem#18: Your answer about the sausage implies you think it's fine to kill animals to eat them. In other words: you are a problem.
Answer: We understand your cry for help. Study Einstein and Niels Bohr. Comprehend that pork= smartness (x + T ~ µ •[Ω]). Problem solved
Problem#19: I make bad art
Answer: Stop making art - art is for people who doesn't have anything better to do, like working.. Problem solved
Problem#20: I can't forget the man I still love
Answer: Love the man you forgot. Problem solved
Problem#21: What is fish made of?
Answer: Fish is made from DNA from carrots. Problem solved
Problem#22: 1+1
Answer: 2. Probelm solved
Problem#23: I live out my desires
Answer: Suppress all emotions. Problem solved
Problem#24: I can't get in to Valand
Answer: Good start. Now: Start a pig farm. Problem solved
Problem#25: Why do you feel younger the older you get?
Answer: Why do people get senile when they get old? Problem solved
Problem#26: How come people love eachother?
Answer: To little pork. It's just an inbalance in the hormones. Just like any other mental disease. Problem solved.
Problem#27: WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Answer: Answering stupid quistions. Problem solved
Problem#28: There is to strong gravity. and
Answer: Earn 10 Billion € and buy a ticket to the moon. move to the moon. and (Problem solved)
Problem#29: I NEED A NEW CARPET (RED)
Answer: Many places there a shops. Some of these shops sell carpets. Some of these carpets are red. Buy one. Problem Solved
Problem#30: I eat to many bananas
Answer: The phone number for the local Psyciatric hospital is: (xxxxxxxxx). Problem solved
Problem#31: (Probelm solvers:) We can't find the problem Mats Olsson wrote to us
Answer: Invite him to do a movie where he talks about his relationship with bacon in a fancy dress. Problem solved